Do I think I know Everything?

Juicy Peppah

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YES, I could have chosen the path where all I have to do is sit down and relax, review a little and reflect a lot. Yes, I could have chosen the path where I will only devote a serious reviewing time when weekend reviews are over. Yes, I could have chosen the path where all I can do is to twist and twist the hemispheres of my brain until I think I could recall everything that I have accumulated in just a snap of a finger.

But do I think I know everything?

I admit I am not that serious in preparing for the Civil Service Examination (CSE) and Licensure Examination for Teachers (LET). I browse my handouts only once, keep convincing myself that when the time of the examination comes, all answers will flood my brain and everything will be fine. However, as the strings of time become shorter and shorter, the pounding in my chest becomes rapid, rapid, erratic, and erratic, just like my classmates who were brave enough to devote themselves to work shortly after graduation.

There was even a time when I would resort to thinking I have more edge than my classmates who are working, because they no longer have time to review at the end of the day. But what difference does it make from someone who only indulges to the sinfully delightful movie flick that kept playing and playing inside the worn-out nerves of a reluctant head?

What is my right to think that I am way better than my classmates who busy themselves in consuming their own bodies for the betterment of the next generation? Now I only think of myself as a vessel—overflowing with ideas and blank dedication. Those classmates who dedicate their time working for their students’ sake may have a higher probability of passing the LET, for they have the drive to, everyday. Besides, the lessons they teach in class serve as contributing factors that affect their performance in the exam. Unlike someone brooding inside the corner of her house, striving and striving for unique, out-of-a-white-sheet ideas that might win her a prestigious Palanca Award if ever she gains confidence.

To where would my empty utterances of hope take me, but… well, yet to happen. Who knows what happens? I am not being pessimistic about the LET, but I find a greater possibility for me to fail because I waste time. My teacher has correctly pointed it out—I waste six long hells of months doing nothing but work 20% of my brain and play the remaining 80%.

Did I, really? Haven’t I been serious for a while, reading my reviewers, hoping to grasp even a tiny grain of information from the sheets of papers around? I have. There were really times I devoted myself to reading and solving a lot, hoping I could get something out of the reviewers, handouts and books, but because it’s too many, I couldn’t get everything stored in my head for long. Reason may have taken over my brain for a while—sometime before I indulge myself into the pleasuring of my intellect—but after some time, I found myself unlearning everything I thought I have already mastered. The very thought of it sends a thick wave of hemoglobin forcing its way through narrow passages of my veins, pounding the chambers of my heart quicker than it should be.

And that reminds me that while I was reviewing half-heartedly for about six months, I have also abandoned the habit to pray. I tried to make myself believe that God knows what I need anyway, so why pray? But the very thought of it makes me feel so damned arrogant I wouldn’t doubt I’d fail the exam because of it. My mind doesn’t entertain it much, but deep in my heart I do, that’s why for about six months, I lie straight to bed without making an effort to pray even for just a second, and I indulged in activities that would render me lazy but entertained. I’ve prayed once, but it has never been repeated. Not that I am angry with God; I’m not; I don’t have the right. But the sudden shift of belief sent me to a boiling pot of credulity—that whatever was told me I would overdo, only to realize in the end that everything I have been working hard for was the very misrepresentation of what the flood of new ideas really meant.

Not only did I devote my time to false reviewing, but also did I spend much of it losing faith. Every move I make lately clearly implies that I was no longer the one who would kneel before God—uttering prayers—in true heart or not—with faith. Yes, I have learned to be honest. I have learned to control my anger, to listen to my parents, to be in good terms with my family and to be responsible in doing some of our household chores, but what I have never really learned was that, faith should be the very last thing I must lose when time comes that I lose everything.

I have too many rooms for reasons, but no more for faith. For me it was like abandoning the very thing that kept me alive for twenty-one years already. No wonder I spent almost six months watching sands turn to stone. No wonder I find difficulty recalling every lesson to which I have excreted huge drops of reddish sweat. The loss of faith which was very evident in the outpour of my unreasonable confidence—in heart, mind, words, and deeds—is the exact loss of everything in my hands today.

So do I think I know everything?

I may still say yes, but honestly if there is something left in my mind, it is but a very tiny part of everything I have to know.